The Great Defecation debate

With passions running high, there is hardly a psychological conference or medical journal which has not entered the fray. Careers are made and unmade over the positions taken, as accusations of data manipulation and sampling problems have spilled over into charges of ethical misconduct. What originally was viewed as merely an esoteric scientific debate between psychologists and anthropologists over issues of privacy and vulnerability from ancient times, has spilled over into an acrimonious political debate which has reached the highest level of government. The resolution of this debate is seen as affecting the way the burgeoning US empire will be directed and perhaps even have implications for an explanation of the reasons why empires are constructed.

The Original Thesis

In the late summer of 2001, just before the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York were toppled two studies were published almost simultaneously by independent investigators concerning patterns of defecation. One study was by a group of psychologists who claimed that people sought to defecate away from public view (behind closed doors, in out-houses or hidden behind trees) because of shame, the idea that they did not want to be shown dirtying the environment, exposing their private parts or worst demonstrating that their bodies had contained substances with foul odors. Claims to “privacy” were the euphemism for avoiding attribution for the shameful behavior - producing foul odors, exposing one’s genitals, exhibiting uncontrollable behavior. “Privacy” allowed the defecating individuals to “cover up” their shameful behavior (flushing the toilet, burying or covering the excrement) and appearing normally dressed. The other study by a group of anthropologists argued that defecating behavior was ruled by a sense of “vulnerability”, in the midst of defecating, an individual is incapacitated and seeks to protect themselves by seeking a secluded location, closed (and preferably locked) doors, or a separate building with its own entrance (out-houses). The researchers studied societies from ancient times to present tribal practices in Africa and noted that, vulnerability during defecation resulted from discarding protective armor, shields, swords and spears in order to enable individuals to properly excrete their bodily waste. Disarmed and fully occupied with the task of excretion - which at times requires outbursts of energy to release the waste, even the most fearsome warrior is vulnerable to an otherwise relatively weak adversary. To gain time and prevent sudden thrusts from potential enemies, the individuals sought to put distance and obstacles in the way of any attackers hence the need for enclosed or hidden locations.

This scientific debate was picked up by popular journals and the mass media as citizen paranoia fanned by increasingly bellicose rhetoric flowed from the Tush Regime. Civil libertarians raised privacy issues as new repressive anti-terrorist legislation allowed for cameras in public bathrooms and miniature computers inside toilets to check anal cavities to ensure that only uncontaminated (by chemicals of mass destruction) waste plopped into the bowl. Academics in the social sciences and humanities argued that threats to person - the wild propaganda that fundamentalist terrorists were planning attacks on sewage outlets causing them to back flow into houses and offices creating health hazards - was causing body stress and inhibiting the outflow of wastes, increasing the propensity for constipation. The principle pharmaceutical companies controlling patents on laxatives were conveniently silent, though through financial contributions they supported the administration and its anti- terrorist propaganda.

Then a strange turn of events set the stage for the involvement of President Tush, Secretary of Defense Bumsfelt and Undersecretary of Defense Crapowitz. A cable television station funded by a group of black sheep Texas coke heads, progeny of stockholders in Fartinburton and Burpal Oil and Construction, put on a satirical program portraying President Tush behind the closed doors of a White House bathroom with the text reading “fearful and insecure the President farts and craps behind closed doors”. It just happened President Tush, who was on a returned vacation from his eventful summer vacation at the Turdful Ranch, came across the cable program while channel surfing. He immediately rose from his sofa indignant. “I crap the way I feel most comfortable!” He shouted at the screen. After a moments reflection which lasted almost five minutes, he spoke somewhat suspiciously, “How do they know how I crap? Do they have an agent in my household or a hidden camera?”

He called security and got them to question the “help” and the counter-espionage team up from Dallas to check special services, while electronic experts examined the bathroom, toilet bowl and bedroom. No bugging, no hidden devices.

The next morning, President Tush went into the bathroom leaving the door wide open, unbuttoned his pajamas, dropped his pants and let out a loud fart that woke up Mrs. Tush/ “Bring ‘em on! Bring ‘em on!” he shouted, as he excreted turd after turd.

The first lady jumped out of bed and rushed into the bathroom and them backed off from the smell. “Anything wrong, Sugar?”, she asked. “I ain’t crappin behind closed doors, cause I am not afraid or vulnerble. I got to show the world that the country’s in safe hands, keep the doors open, let the turds roll, let the bombs fall.”

Tush got up and wiped himself and looked at the sullied toilet paper. “Neither fear, nor shame will stop this President from doing what’s right. Hand me the phone, Sweetheart.”

While Mrs. Tush was repulsed by the thick gob of shit on the wad of toilet paper, she smiled and handed to cordless phone to the free hand of the President.

“Special Agent, give me ‘Bumsy’ and ‘Crappy’. You know, Bumsfelt and Crapowitz, for a conference call. I’m holding, tell them its an emergency.”

“Are you on Bumsy? You too Crappy? You know fellas, there is a sinister campaign being put on by the mass media across the United States accusing us of being ‘chicken hawks’, draft dodgers and now the worst is they are saying ’cause we crap behind closed doors, that we are afraid, vulerble and all that, we’re not fit to give the world the leadership it needs at this time of crises. If the Frogs get hold of this, they’ll crap all over us at the UN”.

There was silence at the other end of the line. Bumsfelt finally ejaculated, “What do you want us to do? Crap in public or bomb Baghdad?”

“Or both together?” interjected Crapowitz.

“I mean the main thing is to keep the door open, when defecting. So we are reassured of our own courage. You should leak it to the media that we crap as we act with confidence in our country’s strength and belief that God’s behind us as we send the warplanes to Tabul and Bagman.”

“I hear you Mr. President, but I have no plans to defect, sir” Bumsfelt replied.

“Don’t be silly Bummy we all defect some time during the day. Don’t be ashamed of it. Now I trust you two to pass on the policy to the rest of the cabinet. Open doors and bombs away.”

“OK Mr. President! Anything else?” Crapowitz asked. He had a meeting with the Mossad in half an hour to discuss a key Iraqi defector but he decided not to bring it up in this complicated setting. “Yes, I want cameras installed in all your bathrooms. I want to make sure we are all in this together. If we pull together we can make this the greatest nation in history. Got me?”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

Crapowitz worked out a schedule so that his disposal of body wastes and their odors did not coincide with any important meeting; Bumsfelt did likewise. Unknown to the scientific community, every high official in the Tush Regime was now changing the underlying pattern of defecation which would surely affect future research. By 7AM each and every cabinet member, before issuing any military orders, planning any coups, or massacres was heard to yell “Bring ‘em on! Bring ‘em on!” as their jaws clenched and the turds fell splashing into the bowls. Relieved they looked up to the camera and gave the ‘V for victory’ sign.

August 29, 2003